


Something About Trust

by Meridian (Meri)



Category: The Professionals
Genre: Established Relationship, Jealousy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-10-01
Updated: 2000-10-01
Packaged: 2017-10-18 09:55:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/187661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meri/pseuds/Meridian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally published in No Holds Barred #20 - Oct 2000.  This has been slightly reedited.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something About Trust

Bodie shielded his eyes from the bright morning sun, looking across the roof of the car at his long-time lover. "Tell me again why we have to go to Eastland on our day off?" With a dramatic sigh, Bodie settled himself into the passenger side of the car.

"Because I have to go to a family reunion." Doyle threw himself into his seat, and rammed the key into the ignition.

"So why do I have to go?" Irritated by not being given a choice, Bodie didn't want to give up his free day to deal with Doyle's relatives.

"You're my lover. It's your job to protect me from my family." Doyle twisted the key viciously, and stepped hard on the accelerator. The car took off with a shriek of the tyres.

The statement should have been funny or cute, but given Doyle's present bad mood -- one that had gone on for weeks -- the whole thing fell flat. Aside from the obvious, he could not understand what was wrong with Ray and no matter what he did, his lover wouldn't talk about what was bothering him. Bodie had a bad feeling about the coming day.

But if Ray wanted him along, then he would go, no matter how much he didn't want to. It wasn't as if he didn't care about Doyle's family, either. They had accepted his and Ray's relationship with relative good grace; well, most of 'em anyway. There were still a couple of the assorted multitude who thought he'd corrupted the little sod.

This wasn't the first time he'd followed Ray to some family event or other. In the fifteen years they'd been partners, he'd become a regular at Christmas and other family occasions, too. But this particular event had the potential for big problems.

"And why Eastland?" Bodie didn't bother trying to keep the whine out of his voice.

"Because my cousin Alan has the biggest house at the moment and my mum and his sister – who came from Canada just for this event – decided that it would be the best place. Personally, I think they wanted to make sure he showed up this time." Could Ray sound any less enthusiastic?

"Smart man. Trying to get out of this. Maybe Cowley will call us in?" He didn't have much hope of that actually occurring. The days of being always on call were long gone and the only time he lamented their passing was when he had to do something that he really didn't want to do.

"We're not in the field anymore. There's almost no chance of being called in." Doyle shot him a quick, but withering look before stepping harder on the accelerator. The car flew down the motorway.

"More's the pity."

"You wanted to stay in the field after you were shot?" Ray cast a disbelieving glance at Bodie, before returning his eyes to the road.

"No...but..." Bodie shuddered. His field career had ended three years earlier at the end of the snipers' bullet. He'd been only thirty-eight.

Doyle had followed him out of the field into anti-terrorist analyst work. Bodie had been surprised at how well they'd taken to the change in speciality. He and Doyle were developing something of a reputation for understanding how these people thought. Of course, they had gained some very real practical experience over the years. Being good at something other than killing people was nice too.

"It would get you and me out of this now." Bodie didn't regret the decision. His amusement quickly died in the face of Doyle's stony countenance. Christ, why did Ray have to be so bad-tempered all the time?

"If you didn't want to go, all you had to do was say." Doyle spoke through his teeth, hands tightening visibly on the steering wheel.

Patience at an end, Bodie was having none of it. "And you'd've gone without me?"

"Yeah." Doyle stared out of the windscreen. His face clouded with annoyance.

Bodie was getting damned tired of this attitude. He wanted to know what was wrong and he wanted to know now. But all attempts at conversation had fallen flat. So he continued the pointless argument. " Of course you would've."

"I would." Ray hunched over the wheel, indignation and exasperation clear in his words.

Bodie grunted. "Pull the other one. You want me to get between you and that family of yours and you know it. It's why I have to go today."

"S'not true. I get on fine with my family."

"But I get on with 'em ever so much better." Bodie smiled to himself. Ray just didn't have the patience to be charming to some of the older and meaner ones. But Bodie had a lot of practice with that.

"Well maybe you should go and I should just stay home."

"Don't want to do that, either." Then lowering his tone and softening his voice, Bodie tried again. "Ray, why are we fighting? What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing." Ray turned his attention back to the road to the exclusion of all else.

For perhaps the first time in their entire relationship, Ray would not talk to him. Bodie was also very much afraid that things were going to get considerably worse after this afternoon and the silly reunion.

* * *

Damn, he was tired. Bodie had been milling around, both with and without Ray, for a couple of hours, sampling the huge spread of food, talking to the various and sundry who'd gathered here for the event. It seemed as if hundreds of Doyles had come out of the woodwork for the occasion. He suppressed a sigh, trying to blend in with the plants at the back of Cousin Alan's considerable garden; he'd yet to see the host, which was just fine with him.

Ray had said that the illustrious Chief Constable Alan Cade had been called off to some emergency or other, leaving his party before he and Ray had arrived. With a bit of luck, he'd get back _after_ they left. Bodie didn't want to be there when Ray found out Bodie knew his cousin, or worse yet, _how_ he knew the man.

He should have told Ray last year, when he'd first seen the article about the maverick chief and recognised Alan as the man he'd spent a very memorable couple of months with almost twenty years ago. Bodie had been twenty-two and just in from Africa. He'd been looking for trouble when he'd met up with a certain tough, macho Met detective constable. Cade had helped him out of a situation not completely of his own making.

The young constable had taken him home and kept him for a couple of months, giving Bodie much-needed time to get his thoughts together on what he really wanted to do with his life. Just about the time Bodie had fancied himself truly in love with Alan, the other man had ended the relationship, saying that he had his career to think about and a homosexual relationship was not in the cards.

Broken-hearted but unsurprised, Bodie had gone into the army. He'd been hurt, but he'd never blamed Alan. In those days, it just wasn't done.

But Alan had been very good to him at a time when he'd needed it badly. There were only good memories attached to that time in his life. Those memories were such a welcome balance to what had come before. But he feared seeing the older man again. What if Alan still harboured strong feelings for him?

After all these years? Bodie thought not. But you never knew. The emotions that he remembered having at the time had been very strong. _All feelings are that strong when you're twenty-two_ , he reminded himself. He wouldn't know until he saw Alan again, and he'd just as soon not do that right now.

"Hey, Bodie, where'd you get to?" Doyle called, shaking Bodie from his thoughts.

Ray waved at him, coming towards him with Alan Cade in tow. "I want you to meet my cousin."

Bodie groaned, looking around for a place to hide. Unfortunately, none was immediately available. "Alan," said Bodie, giving into the inevitable, and holding out his hand. "It's good to see you again."

"Bodie. Well, it's been a very long time." Alan smiled brilliantly, his eyes shining in delight. He held Bodie's hand a moment more than was absolutely necessary.

Ray looked as if he'd been hit with something heavy. "Bodie? You two know each other? Since when and why didn't I know?" The last was directed at Bodie. His lover's big green eyes looking at him with hurt and confusion.

Bloody Hell. He'd known this was a bad idea. Bodie's heart squeezed tightly. "It was years ago, Ray. When I first got back from Africa."

Alan could obviously read Ray's unhappiness and offered an explanation. "I helped Bodie out of a difficult situation and he stayed with me for a couple of months whilst he got his life in order."

"Yeah, it was right before I went into the army." Bodie turned to smile at Alan. "Never got a chance to properly thank you for all your help then."

"It was my pleasure. Really." Alan's voice was low and sexy, sending a shiver of unwanted pleasure down Bodie's spine.

For a second Bodie was caught by Alan's jade-green eyes, remembering the past and how sweet it had been. "Yeah." The moment was gone in a second. Twenty years gone.

Unfortunately, Ray saw the look, and went white with rage. "Well, I'll just leave you two to catch up on old times. I'm sure you have plenty to say to each other." The vitriol darkening his tone was far more than the situation deserved. Ray spun on his heel, stalking off with an air of hurt indignation surrounding him.

"Was it something I said?" Alan gave the departing Ray a sidelong look of utter confusion. "I've known him to be moody, but that was a bit much."

"Yeah. I don't know what's been bothering him lately. He won't talk about it." Bodie let out a breath. Doyle's temper was getting very old. Something had to break soon or he'd go totally round the bend.

"Why don't you come into the house, and maybe we can find a quiet corner where we can catch up?" Alan smiled with nothing more than the interest of an old friend.

"Yeah. Good." Bodie followed him towards the big cream-coloured house. He was sure Ray would find him when he was ready to leave.

"Let's hide in here." Alan led him into an upstairs room, decorated like an office. A big picture window let in the sun and looked out on the garden at the back of the house. The festivities could still be faintly heard through the closed window.

Collapsing with a sigh on the butter-soft tan leather sofa, Alan sighed. "Finally away from the hordes." With a wave of his hand, Alan invited Bodie to join him.

"The Doyle clan get to you?" Bodie smiled.

"After a while. I get tired of hearing, _'So, Alan, when are you going to get married?'_ " Alan tones perfectly mimicked Aunt Sofia's whine.

"Yeah, I know. At least they don't bother Ray much anymore." Bodie chuckled, hoping Alan knew about him and Ray.

I expect they've more or less accepted that he's not going to get married." Amusement flickered in the green eyes that met Bodie's. "You two are still going strong?"

He relaxed into the comfortable sofa, very glad he didn't have to explain anything to Alan. It could have become awkward fast.

Alan grinned. "Don't look surprised, everyone in the family knows about you and Ray. You two haven't exactly made a secret of it. I've heard all the stories, for years."

Bodie gave him a wiry smile. "I expect you have."

"I've wondered if I was ever going to see you at one of these things." The idea clearly appealed.

"Actually, I've wondered the same thing. It's been a really long time."

"When I first heard about you and Ray, I thought I'd better stay away. But as the years went by and Ray didn't come and try to kill me, I assumed you must have told him and he didn't care." Alan's mouth twitched again, amused.

"No." Bodie dropped his eyes and shook his head. "I never told him."

"Whyever not?"

"He wouldn't have wanted to hear it."

Alan sat forward, surprise evident on his face. "You had to know that you and I would meet up one day at one of these bloody reunions; I mean Ray and I are cousins -- second or even third cousins, really. But it was bound to happen. It's only chance that it took this long."

Not meeting Alan's eyes, Bodie sighed. He wondered at his own ability for self-deception. "I didn't know you were Ray's cousin until last year."

Alan raised an eyebrow in question. "What happened last year?"

" _The Maverick Chief_ article."

Closing his eyes for a moment, Alan groaned. "Damn, that article caused me no end of trouble."

No doubt about that. Charges of abuses of power were levelled in the press. CI5 had checked out the whole incident thoroughly, and whilst he and Ray had been pleased to find that Cade was quite innocent of the charges, they had both been furious that the entire episode existed in the first place. The whole thing had been based on half-truths and shoddy research. Clearly, the work of an irresponsible journalist.

Bodie smiled sympathetically. "I'll bet it did. That was the first time your name came up."

Alan sat back, crossing his arms over his chest. "And you never asked? Ray and I look remarkably alike. I can't believe you never noticed."

He dropped his eyes again, embarrassed. Oh, he'd noticed, but had ignored it, not wanting to open that can of worms. "I know, believe me. I also knew Ray would have a fit if he knew about us."

"Bodie, it was nineteen years ago and only for a few months." Alan shook his head.

"Won't matter to Ray. Besides, he's been more moody than usual lately. I don't know what's wrong with him." Bodie couldn't help the exasperated sigh that escaped him.

"Haven't you talked about it?"

"I've tried, but to no avail. He can be a right pain sometimes." His lips twitched up into a rueful smile. Damn, but sometimes his lover pushed him right to his limit and beyond. Sometimes he wondered why he put up with Ray at all.

Alan smiled, leaning into the sofa, his head tilted against the back, his eyes closed for a moment. "But you love him anyway."

Yeah, now he remembered, that _was_ the reason he put up with the difficult bugger. "'Course I do." Indeed, he'd put up with a lot from his lover over the years, But to be fair, Ray put up with a lot from him, too. Still, he loved Ray no matter what mood he was in, and what they had together was worth whatever they both had to put up with to keep it.

"Does he know that?" Alan regarded him curiously, his head cocked to one side.

"He'd better." Bodie sighed. Of course, Ray knew he loved him. What he wanted was to get off this subject. He knew he should be talking to Ray about it, not Alan. But Ray had proved more than elusive these past few weeks.

"Have you ever told him?" Typical copper, can't let anything rest.

"That I love him?"

Alan nodded.

"'Course, I have. Many times and many ways." And if his recalcitrant partner didn't know that by now, then he was more dim than Bodie could credit."

"What about trying to talk to him about whatever is bothering him?"

As if that hadn't already occurred to Bodie. More than once. "I've tried to talk to him, but he's been in a bad mood for weeks and won't talk about it."

"I'd try harder if I were you."

Great advice, but a lot easier said than done. Bodie was uncomfortable with the depth of the conversation.

And ever the considerate host, Alan changed the subject. "How's the analyst work coming? I've heard good things about you two, especially concerning your counter-measures theory."

"The work is good. It's nice to know we're getting through to people." Bodie smiled, glad to be on a safe subject.

"I read the last paper you and Ray published. It was intriguing."

Bodie started to talk about it, warming to his topic quickly, very pleased to discuss this at length with Alan. Finally, after Bodie had talked about means and methods of anti-terrorist tactics for at least an hour, Alan stood. "I really must get back to my guests. I didn't plan to keep you for so long." Alan smiled, his green eyes twinkling brightly. "But it was good to see you."

Bodie felt another pang of remembrance, sweet memories flashing through his mind in far too much detail. He felt a stirring in his groin, but his heart remained untouched.

Alan had been a wonderful, generous lover, teaching him the more pleasant ways and means of man-to-man sex after having spent too long learning the other, less comfortable aspects of it in Africa. He'd finally been able to accept the dual nature of his personality when he'd been with Alan.

Before Alan got to the study door, Doyle burst into the room.

"I can't believe this!" Ray shouted, his face flushed red with anger. "How could you do this to me twice?"

"Ray? What are you on about? Do what to you?" Bewildered and confused, Bodie could not remember doing anything to annoy Ray, at least not in the last couple of hours. Maybe Ray had a problem with his friendship with Alan? Given the way he'd stalked off earlier that might not be too far off the mark. But he just couldn't believe Ray would feel that way.

"Don't try to lie to me. You've been in here for hours." Ray's breathing was ragged and his fists were clenched at his sides.

Alan moved towards the door, clearly very uncomfortable. "I'd better go."

Ray didn't acknowledge him, but Bodie nodded, giving the older man a rueful smile and a shrug. Cade closed the door quietly behind him.

At this point, Bodie had just about reached his limit. He stood, putting his hands on his hips. "You had bloody well better tell me what's wrong, and I do mean now. Don't even bother trying to tell me you're jealous of Alan. It doesn't fly."

"Shut up," Doyle snarled, complete with bared teeth. His whole body was tense, ready to fight it out.

Meeting Doyle's anger with more anger was the worst way to try to deal with him. Maybe something softer, even if Bodie wasn't feeling it. "Sunshine..." He pitched his voice to be as soothing as he could -- which wasn't much, but he did try. "Let's talk about it."

Doyle bristled at the reasonable tone, stalking him from across the room.

From Doyle's expression alone, Bodie knew what was coming. "Don't do it Ray. I don't want to fight with you."

"Too bad." Doyle threw the punch.

Bodie ducked and made a grab for Doyle's middle. He pushed Doyle to the carpet with the sheer force of his greater weight. Doyle struggled and cursed, trying to bite him, but Bodie knew all of Doyle's moves by now. He held onto Doyle tightly, and finally the struggles finally gave way to acknowledgement of his greater strength.

It had been literally years since he'd had to use this much force with Doyle. Beneath him, Doyle gulped giant mouthfuls of air, trying to catch his breath. Bodie knew he was winded from his anger, not the short scuffle.

"Are you ready to listen?" Bodie's mouth close to Doyle's ear, and he wanted to nuzzle the grey-brown curls, but Doyle would not be amenable to any show of affection right now.

Doyle threw his weight against Bodie, trying to push up, but flat on his back, he had no momentum or leverage. "You bastard. Get off."

"Not until I've had my say." Bodie shifted his weight more comfortably on top of Ray until he was lying flat out on him. His legs were across Doyle's, holding them down and his hands gripping Ray's wrists, keeping them pinioned out at his sides, making sure there would be no way Ray would be getting up until he let him up.

"I'll kill you for this," Doyle growled, anger and frustration in every tense line of the body underneath Bodie.

Resigned to it, Bodie sighed. "I'm sure you'll try."

"I will." Doyle wiggled, testing the grip, but Bodie held him fast and he couldn't move much. "Jesus, you weigh a bloody ton. Get off me."

Bodie shifted again, to give Ray a little relief from his weight. "I'll have my say first."

"Say it." Frustrated anger radiated off Doyle in waves.

Bodie wondered if Ray would even listen to what he had to say. "I don't want us to fight." He wanted to kiss Ray's mouth and tease the hurt from his lover blazing eyes, but it would have to wait. His body didn't care that Ray was angry. Ray felt wonderful beneath him and Bodie shifted again, hoping to hide some of his response.

"You have a fucking strange way of showing you love me." The bitterness in the words surprised Bodie.

The time with Alan and the little scuffle couldn't have engendered the animosity in Doyle's words. He shook his head. There was nothing he could think of that would hurt Ray this badly. "Christ, but you're so damned difficult. What do you think I've done?"

"You know what you've done." Ray tried to move again, pushing against Bodie, pressing his hips and shoulders forward, but Bodie held him fast.

Not a clue. Bodie did not have a clue what Ray was talking about. "What? Give me a hint."

Clearly, Doyle wasn't ready to tell him yet. He made another attempt at movement, his face growing red with his efforts. "If you don't get off me, I'm going to kill you."

"We've been down this road before."

"Let me get up." Doyle continued to struggle, but they both knew it was futile.

Bodie just tightened his grip and hung on. "Not until you tell me what the fuck has been wrong with you for the past couple of weeks?"

"Nothing." Doyle ground out through his clenched teeth.

"Don't give me that. Something's been wrong and I know it. You've been impossible to live with."

"Then why do you bother?"

Where was this going? Bodie had to follow it through, realising something very important was happening here, but still not knowing what. "Why do I live with you? It might be that I love you."

"You have a bloody poor way of showing it!"

"Please," Bodie said quietly. "Please, tell me what's wrong?"

Doyle sighed with such defeat that Bodie looked down at him. Ray's eyes were closed tight and his breathing was much too shallow, as if he was going to cry. That was the last thing Bodie wanted. He would be mush in Ray's hands if he started to cry, and Bodie wanted to avoid it at all costs.

Softening his voice to be a caress, he tried again. "Tell me. Please. I can't fix it, if I don't know."

"You can't fix it anyway." All traces of tears gone, Doyle opened his eyes and looked directly at him. "Never."

The look scared Bodie. Way too much finality and pain in it. "What?"

"I know you were unfaithful to me." Doyle's voice was heavy with betrayal.

Bodie blinked. His heart pounded, his mind whirling in bewilderment. "I've never been unfaithful to you. Not once in the ten years since we've been lovers, longer than that even."

"I saw you with a woman at least three times in the last two months."

"Woman? What woman?" Bodie shook his head. "There is no woman."

"Tall, blond, legs up to her neck. Just your type."

"When?" Bodie had a bad feeling he knew who Ray might be talking about, but that had been innocent, more than innocent.

"Saw you with her at Devon's pub in town, having a really cosy meal. Sitting there all sweet, weren't you?" The hurt was overlaid with sarcasm and contempt. "I saw you two outside the Renfield gallery a few days later. You kissed her cheek." Doyle took a deep breath. "Then I saw her leaving our house, two weeks ago. It was late, past 9:00. How could you bring her to our home?"

"Why didn't you ask me about it then?" For the life of him, he couldn't understand why Doyle hadn't said something sooner. Those meetings were completely innocent.

Doyle closed his eyes, defeated, seeming to shrink into himself as if he had no strength or will left. "I didn't want you to leave me." His voice broke on the last word.

A lump formed in Bodie's throat. He couldn't respond for a moment. The quiet words felt like rolling naked in broken glass. "I'll never leave you."

"Then, why were you unfaithful to me? Wasn't I enough? Why Bodie, what did I do? " Doyle's voice caught on a sob, but he didn't let it escape.

"I didn't. I wasn't." Bodie didn't have a clue how to make Doyle believe him. And he should not have to. Doyle should bloody well know he'd never been unfaithful.

Changeable as ever, Ray's mood shifted again, his eyes flashing fire. "I saw you! Don't you dare lie to me. I know what I saw." Doyle turned his head away, and tried to move again, but Bodie held on.

Bodie gently tuned Ray's face back towards him, forcing his head up until their eyes met. "What you think you saw."

"I'm not a fool." The words held slightly less conviction.

"You're going to feel like one when I tell you who she was." Bodie would have tried to smile, but he couldn't summon the effort.

"Who was she?" Ray sighed.

"Mariah Stevens."

The green eyes opened wide, hurt still bleeding out of them. "You slept with Mariah Stevens, the artist? That's supposed to make me feel better?"

"No. I did not sleep with her. I commissioned her to paint a portrait of us for our tenth anniversary." He'd wanted to give Ray a special gift for their anniversary, and now it was bitter ashes in his mouth.

Doyle closed his eyes tightly again. "Why did you kiss her? Why was she at our house?"

"It was just a friendly peck on the cheek. She's a nice lady. Christ, you'd think I'd stuck my tongue down her throat in the middle of the street."

"Why was she at the house?" The fight had gone out of his voice, leaving it hollow and tired.

Bodie sighed, trying to keep his voice steady as the anger continued to climb. "She was delivering the painting."

"Oh." Doyle closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them, Bodie could see the consternation among other emotions.

But he had to know for sure; this could destroy them. "Do you believe me?"

Ray's lips pressed together and he tried to shrug. There was devastation in his voice as he spoke again. "I don't know."

"Why don't you know?" Bodie could tell Doyle believed him, but it did not help the anger churning in his guts.

"Because if what you're saying is true then I _have_ been a fool." Doyle's angry tone was gone, leaving only sad resignation. "More than a fool."

Trying desperately to push the hurt back, Bodie took a breath. He wasn't going to disagree. "Not the first time, love. But why didn't you trust me?"

"I did, but it happened all right in a row." Which should not have mattered at all.

"But if you'd trusted me, you wouldn't have thought the worst. Or at least you would have asked." Bodie shook his head, looking down at Ray's apologetic face.

Ray took a deep shuddering breath and nodded. "I should have."

There was more here than just a mistake. They'd been together far too long and been through too much for this to just happen. Bodie was still at a loss as to understand the why of all of this. "You were awfully quick to misjudge me. I think something else is wrong."

Looking up at him, there was only consternation in Doyle's face. "Why would you think that?"

"Because you should have trusted me. And you didn't." And that was the crux of the problem, wasn't it.

He moved off Doyle completely, and sat up. Being accused of unfaithfulness was bad enough, but the lack of trust the accusation engendered was worse. And a sign of a much more serious problem. A problem at the bedrock of their relationship.

Sitting up, Doyle refused to meet Bodie's eyes. "I'm sorry."

As if that would make everything better. Admittedly, it usually did -- on both sides. A heartfelt apology usually put most things to right, and Bodie was hard pressed to stay angry at a repentant Doyle. "I know you are. But we have a serious problem here. If you don't trust me, then what do we have?"

Doyle was never slow on the uptake. "Nothing."

"Too right." The implications of this conversation caught. It was as if their entire relationship had been based on a faulty foundation. And that did not speak well for their future. A burning started to boil in Bodie's stomach. He didn't like the implications.

"Can't we just forget this? Pretend it never happened?" Doyle's whole manner was subdued and miserable. Bodie wished more than anything that they could have done, but it was not possible.

How could Ray have stopped trusting him after all their time together, after everything they'd been through? Like a razor with no mercy, the question cut him to shreds and no answers presented themselves. The only answers would have to come to Doyle. "No. I don't think we can forget about this. I want to know what I've done to make you distrust me?"

Doyle dropped his head to his chest, and said nothing.

Because he could not allow this to fester between them, Bodie had to push the issue. "Ray?"

"Bodie, it's just that..." he trailed off miserably, his voice rough with emotion.

"What?" This wasn't like Doyle. He was never so tentative or reticent. If anything, Doyle was the confrontational one -- especially where there emotions were concerned

"You're still so beautiful and I'm..." Drawing his knees up, Ray wrapped his arms around them. This was not Ray.

"What are you?"

Ducking his head, his voice was barely about a whisper. "Old."

Bodie blinked. Where had that come from? "Ray, you're forty-three. That's not old."

"I'm past forty. That's the kiss of death for a gay man."

"What are you talking about? Since when do you care what 'gay men' think?" Since when did Ray even consider himself gay, let alone follow gay culture? He was the only man Ray had ever been with and while that made a good case for bisexual, Bodie knew Ray had never looked at other men sexually.

"Since I looked at myself in the mirror and saw an old man. Look, my hair is mostly silver. There are wrinkles under my eyes. What would anyone see in me? I've turned into an old poof."

Bodie shook his head, trying not to laugh. Christ, Ray could be so melodramatic, couldn't he. Of course, Ray was still so beautiful and so sexy. How on earth could he doubt that? But his lover obviously did. The real question was why.

"Ray, I love you. It doesn't matter to me at all what you look like. To me, you'll always be beautiful. Always."

Ray turned away, shaking his head, taking a deep breath. "How? How can you possibly still find me attractive?"

"I told you. Even if you were ugly as sin -- which you're not, and you know it -- I'd love you for who and what you are to me. That has nothing to do with how you look. But you're still so beautiful it makes my head spin and my mouth water just to look at you. What brought this on? Really? I have a right to know."

Doyle stood up stiffly, and walked to the window overlooking the garden. His voice stilted, hurt and embarrassment very prevalent. "Remember when I had to go into the Golden Ram, about four-five weeks ago?"

"Yeah?" The Golden Ram was London's most notorious gay meat market. Bodie hated the place.

"No one looked at me."

"What?"

"Used to be when I went into that kind of place, I could feel the eyes on my back. I could feel them looking me over. I didn't care for it much, but it let me know I was still attractive. Wasn't there the last time."

Bodie understood what he was saying, he just couldn't quite believe Ray was that stupid. "You judge yourself by a meat market?"

"It's always been there, this...I don't know. People have always found me attractive. I could feel it." Doyle shrugged helplessly, biting his bottom lip.

"And now you think they don't?"

"They didn't that night."

"Christ, Ray, for a man as clever as you are; you're an idiot. Since when do you judge your own attractiveness by what someone else thinks?"

"I've never thought I was all that attractive. Sexy sometimes, but not truly good-looking, not like you are. You and others always have found me sexy, but I never thought of myself that way." Doyle put his hand on the window, looking out. "Now people don't find me as attractive. It stands to reason you wouldn't either. When I saw you with that woman, and her being so beautiful..."

"That's absurd! Of course I find you attractive. Soft in the head as well, but always beautiful." That Ray had this much of an image problem came as a major shock. And he should have known about it. Before this point.

Doyle looked as if he truly wanted to believe Bodie's words so badly. But he sighed. "I still find it hard to believe."

The uncertainty in his voice ripped at Bodie, making him want to take Ray into his arms and hold him. And as nice as that would be, it would not begin to solve their problems. "You shouldn't. I love you, sunshine. But you've got to find it in yourself to believe in me. I can't give it to you."

Doyle knelt down next to him, his eyes downcast, his posture submissive as it almost never was. "I do. I'm just...I don't know...having a mid-life crisis." He tried make a joke of it off, but the words fell flat.

Bodie shook his head. "Not good enough. Not this time."

"What would make it better?"

"I don't know," Bodie said honestly, wishing there was an easy answer, but he couldn't get past the emotions boiling in his stomach.

"You want to take a swing at me? Would that make you feel better?"

"No. Hurting you is not what I want." He had never been able to successfully carry through on clocking Doyle, even when he'd deserved it -- which was often enough.

"Then what do you want?" His yielding demeanour giving way to exasperation as it always did. Doyle could only do repentant for so long before his patience ran out.

Bodie sighed. He didn't know. Yes, he did. He wanted for this entire afternoon to have never happened.

"Bodie? Please." Doyle whispered, his voice breaking forlornly and when he lifted his eyes, there was too much pain there for Bodie to easily bear.

"Ray, let's get out of here. Go home and talk about it." He took a sharp breath, steeling himself against the ache.

"Yeah." Ray agreed, standing. He held out his hand to help Bodie up, but Bodie didn't want to touch him now. Climbing to his feet on his own, he ignored the grief in the glittering green eyes.

* * *

Ray didn't remember the ride home, his mind refusing all extraneous details as it whirled in abject misery. His lack of faith in Bodie might actually cause the one thing that he'd always feared the most: Bodie might leave him. And life without his lover in it didn't seem bearable.

Who would want him if Bodie left? He'd be a middle-aged poof with no hope of ever finding a relationship with anyone. He shuddered and wrapped his arms around his middle.

 _Bloody Hell. Stop being so bloody ridiculous and start thinking of a way to convince Bodie this was just a momentary aberration._

But what?

His faith in Bodie had been shaken. Why?

Bodie had done nothing to deserve the lack of trust. So what had caused it?

Reviewing the last few months in his mind, he saw there was no basis for the accusation. Everything had been going along very smoothly. They had been highly praised for a paper on anti-terrorist countermeasures they'd delivered two months ago at a major international law enforcement conference.

So, what had caused him to take three innocent meetings and turn them into something sordid?

Was it possible that he could have been so shaken when no one had stopped to openly appreciate his charms the last time he was in the Golden Ram? That was ridiculous, and Bodie had known it too.

Still, it had hurt to realise all the younger men were looking elsewhere when their praise used to be his. He'd always hated leering looks, right up until the moment they weren't there anymore. The whole incident had made him question his attractiveness, something he had never done.

After seeing Bodie with Mariah Stevens, he'd gone into a tail-spin. He should have known better; looks weren't that important. Oh, Christ, he didn't believe that for a moment.

If this had happened a year ago, he would have marched right into that pub and taken a seat right next to his lover, daring anyone to come on to Bodie with him sitting there.

So what had changed? Whatever it was, the change had occurred within himself. But he honestly couldn't say what. All he knew was that he'd hurt Bodie, possibly beyond repair, and _I'm sorry_ wasn't going to cut it this time.

He came into the lounge, walking towards his lover, not knowing what he should say, but aching to say something that would fix the wrong he'd done. Bodie stood near the electric fireplace, clearly waiting for Ray to make the first move.

"Oh, Bodie." His chest was tight and that made it hard to speak in a normal tone. He crossed the room to stand in front of his lover. "I'm sorry. I know it's not enough, but I don't know what else to say. Whatever's wrong, I know it's not you, it's me."

"Do you think that helps?" Bodie turned towards him, a pained look spreading over his handsome face.

"Tell me what will help, and I'll do it. I swear." Doyle bowed his head, unable to look at the pain-filled blue eyes anymore.

"I don't know, Ray. It has to come from you." There was silence in the room for a moment, broken by the blast of a car horn.

Startled by the sound, Ray jumped. Steadying himself, he took a breath before beginning. "I think it has to do with my questioning my attractiveness. If others didn't find me attractive, why would you?" He held up his hand when Bodie opened his mouth for rebuttal. "No wait. I know that sounds so moronic, but it's all I can come up with. I know last year I never would have doubted you."

Bodie's look pinned him to the wall and he had to drop his eyes before it. "Then what caused it now? And don't feed me the line about the way you look. I don't give a bloody tinker's damn about your looks, and you know it."

"No." Ray looked up then, meeting the dark blue eyes. The truth twisting in his stomach. "I don't know that. I've always thought at least part of my attraction for you was the way I looked."

Bodie shrugged. "I expect that in the beginning I was very attracted to the way you looked." Bodie made a gesture with his hands. "You were a walking wet dream. But my love for you matured. I love the way you look, but it doesn't matter anymore. You're getting old and so am I, sunshine. Can't you see that?"

Bitterness swept over Ray. "Getting old? Yeah, I can see that only too well -- in myself. I can also see that you're still as beautiful as the day I met you."

"Look again." Bodie raised his hand to his face. "I've got lines on my face that weren't there fifteen years ago. I've got almost as much silver in my hair as you do, and mine shows more because my hair is darker. Not only that, I've got an extra ten pounds on my frame that won't come off for love nor money."

The thought startled him into looking, really looking at Bodie. And of course, he was right. There _were_ lines on Bodie's face and silver in his hair. When had that happened?

He'd never considered that Bodie might be getting old, too. Not really. When he looked at Bodie he saw the man he'd fallen in love with when they'd both been young. The changes hadn't registered.

Not that it mattered to him. He loved Bodie with all of his heart -- so what if there were lines on his face or a few extra pounds on his frame? It truly didn't matter. And if _he'd_ never noticed Bodie, then perhaps it was possible that Bodie hadn't noticed him either.

The realization startled the hell out of him. "Sweet Jesus, Bodie, I just never noticed."

"Of course not. You love me." Bodie's voice held a very small note of indulgence and Doyle's started to hope.

"Ergo, you love me and wouldn't notice, either. Christ, I've been so stupid, haven't I?"

Bodie smiled and nodded. "Yeah."

"You are going to forgive me, aren't you?" Doyle inhaled a shaky breath, carefully studying the floor. After a moment, he couldn't stand the suspense and he looked up, meeting Bodie's eyes.

With his brows drawn together in a troubled look, Bodie didn't look very forgiving. "Oh, Ray. It's not a matter of forgiveness. It's a matter of understanding what's in your heart." He touched Ray's chest. "That I would never, ever betray you."

"I do. I just wasn't thinking clearly." Well, that was certainly the truth. How could he have fucked up so badly? Looking back on the incident, he should have trusted Bodie. But that didn't do him much good now.

"And what will happen the next time you're not thinking clearly?" Bodie shook his head regretfully, grief flashing in his eyes.

Doyle took a deep breath, willing the ache in his chest to subside. "There won't be a next time. I swear it."

Bodie shook his head again. "How can you say that? There shouldn't have been a _this_ time."

"I know, but I think I finally understand, in my heart, not just in my head. It's what we feel that's important."

"It was always what we felt. Jesus Christ, Ray, we've flown in the face of society for ten years just being together. But it was never a problem for you, was it?"

Doyle smiled in remembrance of his discovery that he was in love with his male partner. It had been a surprise, of course, but he'd slid so slowly into his feelings for Bodie over the course of their partnership that he'd been able to accept it without any undue trauma. He'd also been secure enough in his own masculinity that there was no macho ego to soothe. And the sex had been so good that any stray qualms he'd had were quickly squelched.

A grin quirked on his lips. "Yeah, I just accepted that it as part of myself. Was a bit of a surprise."

"I always envied you that."

Ray blinked. If he'd given it any thought -- and he really hadn't -- he would have assumed Bodie had as easy accepting himself as Ray had. After all, Bodie had known most of his life that he was bisexual. "But you were bisexual to start with."

"That doesn't mean I accepted it that easily. And I was a lot younger than you when I discovered it about myself." Bodie shrugged.

"How old were you? You've never said."

"Was about fifteen."

"Fifteen?" Ray expected that was pretty young to discover and accept such a major deviation from the norm, especially given what he knew about Bodie's life before he'd left Liverpool.

"Yeah, was on board the merchant ship by that point and one of the men came onto me. I was a big strappin' lad. At first, I was stunned, but then I realised I wanted him to touch me. Where I came from -- the Liverpool docks remember -- men, or boys in my case, didn't have those kinds of feelings. Not that they ever admitted, anyway. It would have been an invitation to be beaten up or killed. And I couldn't quite accept that it was something I wanted or needed."

"What happened?"

Bodie shrugged. "Turned him down, and thankfully the man didn't force the issue. I shied away from men for a long time. Even after it was more or less forced on me in Africa."

"When did you finally accept it?"

"When I lived with Alan." Bodie dropped his eyes.

Doyle was glad they had finally touched back on the subject of his cousin. He should have known about that relationship a long time ago. "Why didn't you ever tell me about that? You should have done."

Bodie raised his head and nodded, his face clouding with apprehension. "I know I should have, but I always thought you'd be jealous or angry."

Doyle nodded, knowing Bodie was right. He would have been very angry, not to mention jealous, to learn of the affair, even though it had been long ago. "Would have been, too."

"But not now?"

"No. Not now. I think I've learnt a thing or two in the last few hours."

Bodie's eyes shone with vivacity as he closed the distance between them, pulling Ray roughly into his arms. "Christ, I hope so, my love. I don't ever want to live through an afternoon like this one again."

Ray felt a quiet peace settle on to him as he snuggled into Bodie's arms. He nodded against his lover's throat, kissing the slightly salty skin once. "Oh, yes."

He shifted his head, and buried his face in the curls. Doyle could hear his uneven breathing, the emotions echoing powerfully between them. He blinked tears out of his eyes, knowing how close he'd come to losing the one thing that gave his life meaning. "Am I forgiven, then?"

"Yeah." Bodie blew out a breath.

Profound relief poured through him. "Good. Take me to bed."

"Absolutely."

Bodie released him and took his hand, pulling him along into their bedroom.

With infinite care, Ray raised his hand to Bodie's cheek, stroking down the soft surface slowly, loving the rough feel of the whiskers. "I love you so much, Bodie," he whispered, putting everything he had into the words. "I don't ever want to lose you."

"You won't." Bodie's voice was husky and soft, the vibrations sending pleasant shivers down Ray's spine.

Raising his head slightly, he pressed his lips to Bodie's mouth, his tongue moving forward to explore.

Ray held his lover tightly, leaning into the embrace as his mouth moved on Bodie's. Kissing Bodie was such a sensuous pleasure, Doyle was sure he could go on doing it all night, forever if he could. But very soon there were other things that had to be attended to.

Breaking the kiss, Bodie took his wrist and placed it against his mouth, licking it slowly along the sensitive skin. The blue eyes pierced his and Bodie spoke with surprising sureness. "I'm going to make a meal of you tonight. I want you to know how much I love you, so you'll never, ever forget again."

"I won't ever forget, honestly." A pulse of pure delight radiated outward from the kiss to all of his extremities. Buoyant with the sheer bliss of simply touching Bodie, Ray was quickly overwhelmed.

"I'm going to make sure of it, sunshine." Bodie's hands started on the buttons on his shirt, undoing each one slowly while still looking into his eyes.

Fire flashed through Ray as his chest was laid bare, his shirt slipping unnoticed from his shoulders and, dropping carelessly to the floor. Bodie's head lowered, his tongue snaking out to lick along Ray's collarbone.

Sweet sensations raced through him at the first touch of Bodie's mouth to his skin. Not an unfamiliar reaction, no, every time Bodie touched him it was as if it were new and yet the same, too. There would never be a time when he'd grow tired of his lover's hands and mouth on his body.

Bodie's mouth tortured him, drawing response after response from him with what seemed like no effort at all. When he reached Ray's nipple, that lovely tongue lapped and circled the little nub until it was up hard and stinging. Doyle thrust his chest forward in supplication, and was rewarded by Bodie's repeating the moves on the other side.

Fire spread into his chest as waves of passion and love was transmitted from Bodie to him with every touch on his flesh.

Clever fingers stripped him bare, and Bodie took his time, touching, petting, stroking, each portion of his anatomy as it was revealed. Ray soared with the love and passion of the talented touch.

He was not completely acquiescent, taking time to give as much pleasure as well. Bodie writhed and moaned under his hands, as he stripped Bodie and stroked him almost to the brink.

Taking over again, Bodie moved along his body until the lovely mouth closed over his straining, aching cock. In that moment, Doyle knew what heaven was. Thrusting up into the moist cavern, involuntary tremors racking his legs, an electric shock of sensations scorched through his body. Just as he reached the very edge of passion, Bodie's head lifted, and Ray moaned in disappointment.

"Bodie?" Ray pried his eyes open, skin prickling as the cool air touched his heated flesh.

"Over onto your belly, sunshine." Bodie's hand stroked down his hip possessively.

Ray understood. Bodie needed to re-establish his claim. And he wanted to feel that claim in his heart, his guts, and his arse.

Rolling over, he spreading his thighs in invitation. "Oh, yes."

"I'm going to make love to you." Bodie's husky tone and fierce look held an unmistakable message of dominance and possession and promise in equal parts.

Bodie licked along his spinal column, outlining each vertebrae with his tongue, kissing the hollow of his spine. Doyle flew with the sensations, higher and higher as Bodie's mouth moved lower. His cheeks were parted and a coil of hungry desire spiralled through him.

Slick fingers entered him, moving and stretching within him, leaving a trail of unsatisfied desire in their wake, until, at last, he was on his back, his legs up over Bodie's strong shoulders and the blood-hot cock was poised at the entrance to his body.

"Bodie, please," Ray choked out, impatience growing, begging with his eyes for the completion he had to have to survive.

Bodie pressed forward. The sweetest agony pieced through him as Bodie's thick cock slid slowly into his body.

Slowly at first and then with increasing momentum, Bodie moved on him, and Ray was lost in a sea of intense pleasure. Every stroke sent the fiery sensations through his body. Pleasure twined around him: the strings pulling tighter and tighter. Pleasure, pain, passion combined, and held him on the precipice of the world.

Orgasm broke over him and he'd found heaven again.

Finally, his breath came back, and he took note of his surroundings again. Bodie was sprawled across his chest, a warm blanket of flesh and bone, comforting in its solidity. And as much as he loved the feel of his lover inside and on top of him, his legs, bent double, were starting to cramp.

"Bodie?" He nudged his lover. "Got to move."

"Sorry." Bodie gently pulled out of him, rolled to the side, and pulled him into his arms, nuzzling his hair. "Love you."

"Me too." Ray agreed, very happy to snuggle down next to him. "Are we okay, now?"

"I think so. I hope so."

"I'm really sorry about all of this."

"It's over. Let's go to sleep."

"Yeah." Doyle closed his eyes, sated and relaxed for the first time in weeks. Sleep came quickly with the knowledge tomorrow would be fine.

The end.


End file.
